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The Tabloid News Edition 29
The Tabloid News XXIX Professor Pickles: Editor-In-Chief 'FROM THE EDITOR ' It’s good to have a Pickle behind the helm of the most prestigious newspaper the nine cities has ever seen. I would like to thank Veronica Lake and Lily Brooke for not only keeping The Tabloid News offices clean, but putting out a couple papers in the mean time. I have the best French Maid staff anywhere. But, now I’m back and it’s back to work investigating the stories no one else has the stones to cover. So, in the words of all the generations of fine editors before me, “On with the news . . .” 'FRAUDULENT FORTUNE TELLER IN LAS VEGAS ' Madame Charlataine opened up shop next to the Sands Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. The Chairman of the Nevada Prognosticators Association, Sam Beckett, regrets licensing her, saying he should have “seen it coming.” Madame Charlatain has been giving false predictions to people at a very high price. An internal investigation by the NPA has discovered that she’s been predicting severe blizzards to the Las Vegas residents due to the fact that her crystal ball is a snow globe. She has also been involved in selling snow insurance to the populace through her other company, Rosebud Insurance, LLC. No formal action has been taken yet. 'STREET SPEECH REVIEW ' Ed. Note – These reviews are made hastily without any regard for context or meaning. These opinions do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Tabloid News. “Damn, I just can’t seem to win.” by Misty Meanor – I haven’t spend any quality time with Professor Pickles yet. “The Time Has Come” by Dirk Straun and “Is Journalism Dead” by Cool Hand Luke – I like something to read when I’m on the toilet. “Water Fight” by Jack Napier – You’re never too old to have fun! “Million Dollar Canuck” by Don Cherry – I wish I was American 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN ' Dear Red, I’m a brand new gangster and I’d like to make friends. How can I meet people? Signed, R. Tard. ----------------------- Dear Tard, Here are few helpful hints to assist you in making friends. First, no one like a pretentious know-it-all, so when you speak to people, never use proper grammar. And, if you write to people, save them time by not using real words, proper spelling, and especially proper punctuation. Also, a great way to meet people on the street is to mug them. Everyone enjoys a good, friendly mugging. You’ll make friends in no time at all. Now, don’t ever bother me again! Red ----------------------- Dear Red, I have a huge problem. I’m tired of the humdrum of living on the streets. I just sit in silence and eat fruit I find outside the market. It’s a real conundrum. I used to be doing something with my life . . . like, I played guitar and percussion in a band. Maybe I should return to it . . . but then I tell myself it’s a dumb idea. I’m just as happy to sit in some dumb rundown area and drunk a little rum and hum myself a tune. I’m numb to it all, Red. I don’t have any answers. Signed, Mr. Crumb ------------------------- Dear Crumb, Wow! You seem to have a conundrum of the humdrum of being mum and eating plums like a numb bum from some slum or drum and strum or hum with rum if dumb. Quite the predicament. Red. 'NINE CITIES HORRORSCOPE ' *Las Vegas – You will go to your hotel room and be told how to play the games. You will play the games. You will go outside and meet a girl who will tell you how to go upstairs and use your room again. *Los Angeles – You will meet a movie producer who, for certain favours, will put you in the movies. You will find out that’s not a real movie producer. *Denver - Lack of oxygen from the high altitude will inspire you to go snow skiing above your ability. You will learn to enjoy traction. *Dallas – You will put the top down on your car and go out driving. You will think better of it, later. *Chicago – You will try to take your goat to a Cubs game. You won’t get it. You will get your revenge. *Detroit – You will take your car back to the factory it was made for a reunion. You car will be stolen, and sold for parts. *New York – You will see the Statue of Liberty, but be shot in the head for trespassing.Atlanta – You will eat a peach. But a magnolia tree will fall on you. *Miami – You will get sunburned and get sand in places sand should never go. 'TRUTH ABOUT DONNY BELLETI’S DEATH REVEALED ' The members of Cosca Trinacria, of which the esteemed Editor of The Tabloid News were saddened by the death of their leader, Donny Belleti, but it’s time the truth came forward. Belleti was not killed by inter-gang warfare, but rather on a hunting expedition in the Himalaya Mountains. He was leading an expedition to hunt down and capture the abominable snowman. The local Sherpas assisting him got tired of his tyrannical orders, including fresh oatmeal every morning for breakfast, and his socks alphabetized by colour. So, they tied up Belleti with his own socks, starting with argyle, and threw him off a mountain.